Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
