This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
