i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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