u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
