you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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