My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
