I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
