the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
