Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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