like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
