Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
