And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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