She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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