my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
