Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
