he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
