He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize