I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
