laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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