Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
