he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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