I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
