I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
