maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
