I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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