The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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