I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
