Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
