If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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