I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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