This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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