I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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