I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
