One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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