In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
