I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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