I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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