It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
