I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
