Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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