R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
