She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
