and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
