i just had sex bonerless
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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