we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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