So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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