You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
