Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
