I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
