the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
