Your face is a jimmy john
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
