just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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