yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
